blue smurf :)

I feel like I should give an update and write something more that sort of sums up the past two weeks so I can move on to other things. I just don't know what to write exactly. I'm not very good at discussing what I'm feeling.

It's been a long two weeks.

My friends Catrina and Steve (Lauren's parents) had me meet them for dinner one night last week. Steve had seen my status updates and decided they just needed to make sure I was ok. I appreciated that so much. :) We were talking about all of this and he pointed out that we need to not focus and dwell on that one very small moment in all of time...we need to focus on the 25 years before that moment...and the eternity after that moment. Those are the important parts. And he's right. I know where Jonathan is. He is standing in the presence of Christ. That makes me smile. When I think of the amazing testimony he has left behind...that makes me smile. And I know that over time, that moment will fade a little bit into the background and we will be able to remember mostly just the good times.

But for right now, that moment does matter to us. Because that is the moment that took him away seemingly way too soon. (Seemingly because I know God is in control and nothing happens outside of His will...) Nothing will be the same again. There will always be someone missing when our families are together. When I think about that, I realize how deeply sad I am inside. And then I have to remind myself that God created emotions and that I think it's ok to be sad. I don't like being sad. I don't like to see the people I love sad. I haven't cried in front of anyone during the past two weeks and I know my whole family probably wonders if I even have feelings at all! I do. I just don't want some people to see tears because it will just make them sad all over again to see me sad.

As for Chris, the shooter...that's when I really wonder just how numb I actually am. I'm not even angry at him. Really, I feel nothing towards him. Well. Actually. I feel sad for him. What was his life like that lead him to a moment like that? Why didn't he see Christ's love in the classes he was taking at MACU?? WHY THE HECK DID SOMEONE LET HIM BECOME A PART TIME POLICEMAN?!?! How in the world did he decide a gun was the answer??? He forever changed the lives of so many people in that moment. His included.

People have asked me how my aunt, uncle, and cousin are doing. My aunt is definitely taking it the hardest. She adored both of her boys. But she and my uncle are clinging to Jesus and know that He will walk through this with them.

As for my cousin, Benjamin. He is amazing.

That Sunday night, after I knew for sure that he knew (I found out before he did...long story.), I didn't know who he would be talking to or who he would be with or if he would even want to hear from me, so I just sent him a text and said I love you. This is what he text back:

"thanks k. luv u too. pray for the guy that shot my brother. i know i will have to show him Christ's love. pray that he will be receptive to the gospel."

Um. Wow. That is not where most people's minds would go after hearing that kind of horrible news about a loved one. But that's Benjamin. He is grieving too, of course. But his faith is crazy rock solid and I know he will be ok.

Anyways, the past two weeks haven't been just completely filled with only sadness. Hearing what people loved about my cousin was comforting and sometimes funny to hear. The one thing that stands out after reading what people have written on his wall and my aunt and cousin's wall, and after hearing those who spoke at his memorial service...he had one skill in particular that he had mastered, and that was loving people. He cared about everyone and was a good friend even when people weren't good friends back.

A couple people commented on the fact that he carried around a camera on his hip like some people carry a cellphone or pager...and he was quick to pull it out and snap a picture. Ha! That is true...I whined plenty of times about that! (I MUCH prefer to be behind the camera and not in front of it! lol) But if you went back and looked through his photos - the tons and tons of them - you would not find any pictures of things...only people. People are what were important to him and he was good at sharing and showing Christ's love to them.

I could write more, I'm sure...I can get very rambly at times (right, Rebekah? :)...but this is getting long enough. And while I may still be sad at times, I am really doing ok. I am comforted in the fact that God sees the bigger picture and understands what I cannot comprehend. He is holding us all and will not let go.

Thank you to those who have been praying for us. We have appreciated and felt each and every prayer.

Ok, so two more stories. This picture is of me holding Jonathan. :) I was soooo excited when I found out I had a baby cousin when Jonathan was born, that I named the new baby doll I had just gotten (for Christmas?...Jon was born in January...), Jonathan! I was very adamant that she was still a girl doll, but that her name was Jonathan...after my new baby cousin who I hadn't even met yet! :) I still have that doll. Sometime I will take a picture of her...her poor arms need surgery. :}

Last story. You're probably wondering where in the world the title of this post comes in. My aunt spoke (amazingly well!!) at the memorial service and told several cute stories...and this one was my favorite. There was one night, when Jonathan was maybe 3 or 4 and my aunt was very pregnant. She had already tucked him into bed and later had gotten ready for bed herself. She happened to have a blue nightgown on and went in to close the curtains in Jonathan's room and then went to bed. The next morning, Jonathan said to her, "Mommy!! I saw a blue smurf in my room last night!!!" Lol!